Don't Mention the Word Vampire
by llamalovesdragons
Summary: What happens when the Vampire Acadmey crew meet up with the people who have saved the world multiple times? Thats right, none other than our favourite detecting pair, Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain. Madness ensures as Rose and Lissa, as well as the others, help Skulduggery and Valkyrie solve yet another mystery. Set after Kindom of the Wicked and Last Sacrafice. Please R&R.
1. Don't Mentin the V Word

**I was sitting here, writing A Trip to Remember: Revammped, and wondered, hmmm, what would happen if the Vampire Acadmey people met the Skulduggery Pleasant people. I am sure you hear that a lot, probably being the question that leads to most people writing a cross-over. This is only my second cross-over, so if it gets a bit confusing, please bear with me.**

**One**

**Don't Mention the V-Word**

Valkyrie Cain clicked her fingers, and turned the spark into a flame. One of the people behind her gasped. "But you don't look anything like Moroi," the tall, pale, plamtimun blonde girl said in an American accent.

"I don't know what a Moroi is?" Valkyrie said.

"They're good vampires that can used the powers of the elements. Most specialise in only one, fire water, earth, air or spirit. You must be a fire user." She explanied.

Valkyrie hissed. "I am not a vampire," she said, throwing the fireball. It hit the chalky person coming towards her in the chest. He wasn't expecting it, and as it caught, Valkyrie held out her hand, and pushed at the air, knocking the other two off their feet. "And I can use all of them."

"So what are you?" the blonde girl asked, as confused as Valkyrie felt.

"A mage. A Necromental, to be exact." Valkyrie asked, attention back on the three chalky people. One was still on fire, and rapidly burning, while the others approached cautiously. One sprung, and Valkyrie gestured, and the shadows sliced, and the chalky man's body dropped, his head rolling to a stop a foot away. "Where is Skulduggery?" Valkyrie muttered. The other had circled behind her, and she felt the air currents shift as something large apprached from behind. Valkyrie jabbed back with her elbow, and hit the man in the throat. He landed gracefully and leapt again, and Valkyrei twisted out fo the way. A small figure approached from the left, and something silver blurred. A chalky man fell, a silver stake buried in his heart. "Well, that was fun." Valkyrie said, dusting off her hands. She turned to the blonde girl and held out her hand. "Valkyrie Cain. And you are?"

"Queen Vasilisa Dragomir, please call me Lissa. This is my Guardian, and best friend, Rose Hathaway." The blonde girl said, shaking her hand. Rose bent down, her dark brown hair pulled into a neat bun at the nape of her neck. She pulled the stake out of the man's body, and wiped the blood off.

"Any idea who your attackers were?" Valkyrie asked. She noticed Rose's eyes shifting repeatedly as she scanned the area.

"Just some random Strigoi, looking for a meal." Rose said, still looking around.

"This must look starnge to a bodies lying here in the dark. If I may, what is a Strigoi?" A velvet voice asked behind them. Rose reacted quickly, the stake in her hand flying toward the ribcage of Skulduggery Pleasant. It slipped between his ribs. "Do you mind? I would love to say that tickles, but really, it doesn't." Rose stepped back, bringing her stake with her.

Lissa shot Rose a look. "Strigoi are evil, undead vampires."

Valkyrie scowled. "Why not just say they were vampires? I must admit, they don't look like the vampires we're used to." Skulduggery asked.

"What do you know about vampires?" Rose asked quickly.

"Bits and pieces really. But I thought you said Moroi where the vampires?" Valkyrie asked.

"There is more than one kind of vampire in the world you know," Rose, in a tone that suggested she was through with the convesation. "What happened to Effie?"

Lissa looked at the ground."She was over run."

"All of them?" Rose asked. Lissa nodded, and a tear sparkled as it ran down her cheek. After a moment, she took a deep breath and composed herself.

"What do we do with the bodies?" Valkyrie asked, mainly to Skulduggery.

"They'll burn soon enough." Rose said. "The good thing about Strigoi is that they burn in the sunlight."

"Really, what kind of vampires do we know then?" Valkyrie asked.

"What can you tell us about them?" Rose asked.

"Mortal by day, and gifted with slightly enhanced speed and strength. But at ight, they rip off their skin and lose sense of what they are. Friend or foe, it doesn't matter, they'll tear you apart as sonn as look you. Decapitation works on most things, and vampires are no exception. And when the sun rises, they become mortal once more, and the upper layer of skin regrows. Once it has, they become back to they way they were personality-wise. A combination of hemlock and wolfsbane can subdue the vampiric nature. It takes two days after being bitten for the venom to turn the victem into a vampire. They're called Infected." Valkyrie hid her scowl.

"For someone who sad they know bits and pieces, you sure know a lot about vampires." Rose pointed out.

"Valkyrie used to date a vampire." Skulduggery said.

"This convesatoin is over now," Valkyrie said, glaring at Skulduggery.

"But-" Rose said.

"Over," Valkyrie growled.

**Love it? Hate it? Loath it? Like it? Can't stand it? Can't live without it? Should I stop giving options now? Should I stop asking questions? Are these questions annoying you? Can you believe that I don't know how to stop asking questions? Can you please review my story? **


	2. Not a Lot of Trust

**Two**

**Not a Lot of Trust**

Rose shook her head. "No way. We don't know even know you. We aren't about to get in a car with you, and let you take us with you to your hideout."

"How about we go with you to where you live, and then we can talk?" Valkyrie suggested.

"Rose," Lissa said. "If they're Strigoi then they can't get past the wards anyway."

"Who's to say they won't take us to the side of the road, kill us and dump us. Or pretend to get lost."

"What else can we do? We saved your life," Valkyrie asked.

"Maybe it was only to kill us later." Rose argued.

"I threw fire. Can your Strigoi do that?" Valkyrie argued back.

"Futher proof we can't trust you. I drive, or we don't come. Or I call back up."

"My car is a 1954 R-type Continental Bentley, one of 208 ever made. It is fitted with climate control, satellite navigation and a whole lot other modern conveniences. I'm not about to let you drive it. If it recieves so much a scratch, it will fall apart. Call for back up. Meanwhile this is getting annoying."

Valkyrie knowing what he was about to do, said, "we don't want to scare them," even as Lissa frowned and asked "what?" Skulduggery reached in and touched his collarbones, and his facade melted away. Lissa screamed as his skull gleamed in the darkness. Rose snapped around to look at what Lissa was screaming about, and she froze. "Oh, is that what you meant by not scaring them?" Skulduggery asked.

"Yes. But what did you mean, getting annoying? It doesn't normally."

"I don't know. Maybe it broken."

"Again?"

"Again."

"Are you dead?" Lissa gasped. She reached out past Rose, who stood in front and pushed her arm down.

"Do I look dead to you?" Skulduggery asked. No answer. "Your right," he nodded. "Should I put it back up?"

"How are you alive? I mean dead alive? I mean dead but alive?"

"Like this? Long story. One I don't like telling often. I don't like repeating myself."

"But you haven't told us the story," Rose siad, obviously confused.

"But I've told Valkyrie and that's enough for me." Skulduggery said happily.

"If you're not Strigoi, then what are you?" Rose demanded.

"I would like to know that myself." A tall man with a Russian accent said. He wore a long leather duster and had brown hair in a ponytail. He walked aournd and stood infront of Lissa.

"Another one. Please tell me, are there anymore coming?" Skulduggery asked.

"No, but if I really believed you were Strigoi, would I tell you truth?" The tall man asked.

"I'm Detective Skulduggery Pleasant, and this is my partner, Detective Valkyrie Cain." Skulduggery said.

"Dimitri Belikov." Dimitri said. "I ask again, what are you?"

"Oh, is that what you said? I thought you asked who we were," Skulduggery said.

"We're mages, or sorcerers." Valkyrie said.

"You're a magician?" Rose asked sceptically.

"No," Valkyrie scowled. "Magician do tricks at birthday parties. Mages do magic. Skulduggery's an Elemental. He manipulates the four elements, fire water earth and air."

"There are five elements though." Rose interrupted.

Valkyrie glared at her. "I am a Necromental. I use the Elemental Magic as well Necromancy, which is death magic. There are also Adepts, who can have any kind of power, like changing form or reading minds."

"Thast kind of confusing." Lissa said.

"Yeah, but not really." Valkyrie smirked.


	3. Court

**So, incase you haven't guessed, I'm back. And any other author might be disappointed by the reviews, as in, you know, the lack of them. I'm not. I could say that I was shattered by the lack of them, and want to let you know, incase you haven't posted a story yet, when you go to manage stories, it lets you know how many people have read (or viewed) your story. So I know people have seen it. Yes, I'm talking about you. You can't hide from me. So review, or I will disembowel you with a spoon. If you don't like it, then say so. Because I'm going crazy (that may not entirely be you guys) worrying about what I'm doing wrong.**

**Three**

**So This is Court**

"I don't get why they don't trust us. We're very trustworthy," Valkyrie scowled, looking at the van Dimitri was driving in front of them.

"We are very trustworthy," Skulduggery agreed.

"I don't see how this concerns us. I mean, we should be looking for Nadir, not following a bunch of lunatics around."

Skulduggery murmered something in agreement.

"They think they're vampires. I mean, them, vampires? I guess they've never seen a vampire before." Valkyrie crossed her arms.

"I guess not," Skulduggery agreed.

"Where are we going anyway?"

"Dimitri said something about going to court."

"Where's court?"

"I don't know. Where ever we're going, I guess."

"You seem preoccupied."

"Do I?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

"What are you thinking about?"

"All sorts of stuff that would blow your mind."

Valkyrie sighed. "Like?"

"Not much," Skulduggery said as he turned left, still following the van Dimitri was driving.

"I don't like this," Valkyrie said softly as they drove though a large gate. A guard stopped the van, and Rose got out and walked over. She knocked on Valkyrie's window. Once Valkyrie had unwound it, she said, "can you please get out of your car here and follow us." Something about her voice made it seem like an order, not a request. Skulduggery nodded and they got out of the car. Skulduggery walked around to Valkyrie's side, and as they stepped forward, several people surrounded them. Valkyrie tensed slightly as they blocked any chance to run. "Are either of you armed?" a tall man, not as tall as Dimitri, but still taller than Valkyrie, asked.

Skulduggery held up his arms. "Armed how?"

The man blinked. "What kind of arms are you thinking about?"

Valkyrie noticed that Skulduggery's hat covered his face. "I have two arms. And so does she." He pointed at Valkyrie, who smiled at the man. "You do too."

"Do you have a weapon with you at this moment?" The man clarafied. Skulduggery held his gun up. The tall man reached for it and tucked it in his jacket.'

"Can I have that back when your done?" Skulduggery asked. The man didn't answer, and at an unseen signel, the people surrounding them lead them to a large building. Lissa sat inside, with twelve people around her. A man with icy blue eyes and messy black hair stood beside her, with Dimitri standing next to him. Rose broke away from the group to stand beside Lissa, and before Valkyrie could even think about making a run for it, the empty space had been filled.

"The Council is in session, regarding the matter of one Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain," a herald cried.

Lissa stood. "Welcome to Court, Mr Pleasant and Miss Cain."

**Remember, review or else. I know you're looking at it.**


	4. Imprisioned

Valkyrie yawned, rocking back on her chair and stretching her arms above her head. Several of the people sitting near Lissa frowned at her. "This is boring," she whispered to Skulduggery.

"It certainly isn't as exciting as it sounds," he whispered back.

"It didn't sound exciting in the first place," Valkyrie muttered as several other people scowled at her.

"That's what I meant," Skulduggery murmured back.

"Excuse me," one of them, a fat, grey-haired lady said loudly. "Might you repeat what you just said so the rest of the Court can hear it."

"We were talking about what a lovely dress it is your wearing," Valkyrie said, feeling everyone's eyes on her. The grey haired lady raised a eyebrow delicately and Valkyrie nodded. "You're absolutely right. It's hideous." The lady looked insulted, and Rose struggled to keep the smile off her face.

"If we can back to the matter at hand," Lissa said.

"Of course," Skulduggery replied.

Valkyrie frowned. "What was the matter?"

Lissa sighed. Rose leant forward and whispered in her ear. Lissa nodded. "Do you think you could arrange that, Guardian Hathaway?" Rose bowed her head and summoned Valkyrie and Skulduggery out.

"I was just starting to enjoy that," Skulduggery said. Rose turned on her heel.

"Do you know how stupid you two just were? They're talking about possibly executing you, and you sit there in make jokes and insult the council members," Rose raged.

"They wouldn't execute us," Valkyrie scoffed.

Rose raised an eyebrow. "If that's what you think. We aren't human, we have different laws to humans. If someone kills someone important or turns out to be a traitor, they aren't given life in prison, they're executed." Valkyrie raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. She led them to a hallway lined with cells. She opened two and gestured for them to get in. Valkyrie and Skulduggery hesitated. Rose saw the hesitation. "If you don't go in willingly, the Guardians will not hesitate to use force." Valkryie looked at Skulduggery and he nodded. Valkyrie stepped into the cell and breathed a sigh of relief. The cell wasn't bound. Rose took her phone and ring, and she moved into Skulduggery's cell. Valkyrie watched as Rose handed them to a man standing at the door. They spoke quietly and Rose moved off.

"The cells aren't bound," Valkyrie called to Skulduggery.

"I noticed."

The guard at the door looked around and scowled at them. "No talking."

Valkyrie amused herself playing with fire for a while, then crossed over to the bed and lay down.

Valkyrie blinked blearily. Skulduggery was chatting to the guard, who was standing with a stiff back. Skulduggery asked for a drink of water. The guard paused then moved off and got one. Skulduggery thanked him as he returned. "I was getting so thirsty." There was a pause, then, "did you know that the sparrow flies south for the winter?" The guard frowned, and Skulduggery handed back the cup. Valkyrie moved towards the cell door, just as Skulduggery punched the guard. He staggered back, and reached for a holster at his hip as Valkyrie splayed her hand. The air shimmered, and the guard shot across the hallway, cracking his head on one of the bars of the cell opposite. Skulduggery used the air to bring the guard closer and he bent down and grabbed the keys. He unlocked his door and came for Valkyrie, just as thirty guardians came around the corner. Skulduggery cursed and tossed Valkyrie the keys. She stood beside him and clicked her fingers and summoned a flame. The guadians looked surprised, and several of them pulled guns out. Valkyrie let the fire go out and covered her head with her hands, and felt the first couple of bullets hit, then nothing. Skulduggery stood with his hand outstretched, the bullets floating. The guardians slowed to a stop and appraised them. Valkryie bent down, keeping her eyes on the guardians, and pulled her and Skulduggery's phones out, along with her ring. She slipped it on and stood back up. "Cloaking sphere," Skulduggery said out of the corner of his mouth. She looked at him a little weird and Skulduggery sighed. With his free hand he started rooting around in his stomach area, pulled out the cloaking sphere and handed it to Valkyrie. She smiled at the guards, then twisted the sphere. The Guardians stiffened and one grunted in surprise. They fanned out, and Skulduggery wrapped and arm around Valkyrie and they lifted into the air, passing over the heads of the guards and out the door. "You know," Valkyrie commented. "It wasn't my most exciting prison break ever, but it will do."


End file.
